Some days are definitely better than others. I feel I definitely earn my gold star adulting stickers and then other days…
On the days that are not so good—from general anxiety to stress to being hangry (which is very real, trust me) and everything in between—social interactions can be a big struggle for me. I am just not a socially graceful person, hence why I have AWKWARD in my blog name! I occasionally stutter, which leads to trouble collecting my thoughts and communicating the words I want to say. Sometimes, I totally mess it up from what I really meant to say and then someone takes it the wrong way and then I sound like a jerk but I swear I am not trying to be and then—
Some days, it is easy for me to shrug it off and laugh, while other days, I feel a bit more insecure.
It can get pretty hectic in this mind when the anxiety is kicking in. My mind already races as it is. This night-owl-by-nature-but-forced-to-be-a-morning-bird girl is constantly throwing up her e-brake. It is never a dull moment in this writer’s brain!
More times than not, I will walk away at the end of an awkward encounter and wonder if I made any sense to that person whatsoever because in my mind, words were thrown together in a big long sentence without a breather. I wonder if I was interesting and kind, and most of all that sometimes hits me the hardest—was I worth their time?
That’s when the anxiety really kicks in because it isn’t like it hasn’t already, right?
You see, that’s why I am a writer—I write for fun and I write professionally for a living. I would much, much, MUCH rather express things through the written word that have on-the-fly conversations with individual people. I am a pretty graceful doe in groups, and I can thank my high school singing career and college speech course for that.
I would rather get in front of many people and speak than to speak one on one.
See? I told you. I am just awkward, which makes me anxious, which makes me awkward, which makes me anxious.
Anyways, in all seriousness, if you struggle with anxiety, let me say that I hear you. Some days you gotta dance and laugh at yourself before anyone else can, and then others you gotta cry while others laugh at you. See? That was awkward and not encouraging.
I don’t think I will get the “Not Socially Awkward” sticker today.
Oh well. Tomorrow is another day. That’s what matters–getting up and trying again. That’s all we can do.