Pounds for Payment, Please?

I am nervous about seeing a new doctor tomorrow for my chronic struggle with my weight and the odd symptoms I have been having for the past year. I don’t want to get burned by yet another doctor who doesn’t seem to think anything is wrong. Thankfully, my hair is growing back, but I am still wanting to know why so much of it mysteriously fell out a year ago. Stress? Losing weight too fast (I lost 33 pounds from November 2017 to January 2018 after cutting out processed foods and focusing on a plant-based diet)? Hypothyroidism? Something much more serious?

I want to know, but then again I don’t.

Seems like every day there is another pound or two on the scale, and my appetite is out of control. Blame it on stress, boredom, depression, whatever. I just cannot seem to get this under control, and I feel like I am having to constantly get new clothes because I just keep getting bigger and bigger, which just feeds the endless cycle. Regardless, I have done this to myself, and I hate that I am just now trying a genuine effort to get help with this. Perhaps this has added to my mysterious foot pain I started having once I finished the C25K app back in August? Who knows.

Cost has been a major factor in why I have not pushed to seek help for what has been going on. Maybe the doctor will take my pounds as a payment? I can afford about 60 or 70. I wish. Pay for your doctor’s visits with how much weight you lose. Haha. I wish. Pounds for payment, please?

Time and the fear of rejection have been other main factors, but I am one who believes in self-care and has preached it to my patients (I used to be a social worker) in the past, yet I have such a hard time following the recommendations I have given others. I KNOW all about self-care. I KNOW about how important eating right and exercising is. I KNOW how chronic conditions caused my excess weight can lead to eventually terminal illnesses. I KNOW this, yet it is so hard for me to get on the right track. Why? Why is this so damn hard?

I am trying so hard to lose weight the healthy way and not do it through starvation and strict portion control like I did about 8 years ago. Well, 8 years after an emergency appendectomy, I find myself in a place that I am not happy with, in terms of my weight and self-image. You’d think I would have pulled myself together by then after an experience that, for me, was traumatic–before my surgery and for a period after with the hospital harassing me for $60K I didn’t have. What about the weight that piled on after I had surgery (which I have heard can happen to some people)?

Pounds for payment, please?

Anyway, it is what it is in that aspect (the “battle scars” I have from my surgery), but I am trying to control what I can. It is not easy and it is a frustrating journey. I am not sure how people can say weight loss is easy. For me, every damn pound is and has been a struggle to lose or at least maintain. I am at my breaking point. I feel I have hit so many dead ends. I don’t know which way is up or down anymore. I am stubborn and have even the slightest bit of hope that someone can help me so I can help myself, and that is what keeps me going, even though I feel the odds are against me. I have put honest-to-God efforts into losing weight with no luck, so it is very discouraging for me when 3 months go by after working hard and eating a lot better than I was but simply fluctuating between the same few pounds. But I am tired of not feeling like myself. I know I can be better. I know I can feel better. I know I can look better and have my outside reflect my cheerful inner self.

Hopefully, seeing this internalist will be a step in the right direction. If not, I am not sure where to turn to next.

My primary that I saw a couple of months ago was not very helpful and did not seem interested in really helping me when I spoke to her about my concerns, so I am praying that this doctor does not do that to me. Even if this doctor cannot help me, I hope he cares enough to point me to someone who can.

I am eager and willing to learn and change. I want to do this the right way. I want to reach my full potential. I am 30-years-old, for crying out loud. NOW is the best time to pull myself together and make my 30s way better than my 20s.

My 20s can have my pounds, please.

If not now, then when?

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